Me painting my door red!
My door finished with my "Somebody" daughter Ellen!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
My Journey of Forgiveness
Dear Bloggie,
Of course I have been doing the dance of change, change, change... like always. Working, changing, knitting, changing, eating, changing... I am in a constant state of "change". But things seldom do..
Since April, there have been a LOT of changes happening around me. I have been slowly changing without trying to focus on the actual ACT of changing.
OK, I know I have probably lost you already, so let me explain myself to you...
I was at my brothers house celebrating my mothers birthday. We were out on his deck, and behind his house is woods. Most people if asked, would say that what they see when they look out, is trees. (Because he has A LOT of them.) I myself don't see trees. Well, I do, but that's not all. I see the wind moving the branches, I see the grass, I see the fence, I see birds, and their horses - well you get the picture. I have a hard time looking and picking one thing that I see. That's how my brain works. Sometimes its one of the most magical things... seeing colors, and getting excited about the smallest thing God has created. Other times it is exhausting. Wearing and tearing my mind down. I want to scream "Can I not just have one day when I can choose the first thing that comes to mind and STICK WITH THAT for more than 3 seconds??????"
So, there actually HAVE been some changes going on in my life. Some I am doing, and some have happened upon me. One thing, is that I have been on a journey of self discovery.
That has taken me to forgiving people/things/circumstances and myself, and finally being freed of so much of the pain that has been inside of me for so long. Its amazing how if you take the time to break things down to the basics, how you see things differently. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned lately is that most of the pain I have held in my heart for what "happened" (whichever "what" I'm on at the moment) is the pain I felt when it happened. Not the pain I would feel now. Basically, when I ran into an adult that caused me some kind of pain/shame/whatever when we were kids, I would still feel like I did AS a child. As I started a forgiveness journal I realized why things happened, and how, if you really think about it, I am the only one that has been holding on to this, and its got to go. Bury the dead. They stink up the place.
I had a very dear friend of mine, who I will refer to from here on out as my LC (Life Coach) break some things down for me. Things that are common sense, but that I wished I had learned years ago. Her own trials and tribulations have brought her to a place where she can say anything she wants to me, and not get punched.
I was telling her about how I believe you reap what you sow. But I didn't understand why I had reaped so much crap from a situation when I did everything I knew how, over and over, to keep the peace and be fair. She said to me, "MB, have you ever thought about your motive behind your wanting to keep peace and be fair. Was it a good motive or bad?" Well, Bloggie, that shut me the hell up! I have thought about it, and thought about it. And as I do, I find that each time, I come back to the heartfelt feeling that I was sincere, and only wanted the same treatment in return. BUT... even as I typed that, a little voice said.. are you sure? You sure you weren't after something? So.. needless to say, I am still working on that one. And thank you LC for pointing that out to me.
As my journey continues I realize that I have allowed things from my past to shape the person I am INSIDE. I did not realize till just recently that deep down inside, I felt as if I did not deserve any better than what I had, or what I got. I would never amount to much except a bag of hot air.
Bullshit.
I have not only been cleaning house on the inside, I have been literally CLEANING HOUSE. I am ridding myself, my home, my LIFE of unwanted clutter. All the pain and sadness, resentment, anger... all of that crap was keeping my heart and soul cluttered. As it has started to leave me, I am looking around my house at stuff I have on the walls, and sitting around, that I settled on because I wanted something else that I didn't think I could ever have, or that I ever WOULD HAVE.
I started taking stuff down, donating stuff, selling stuff, and giving stuff away. Its amazing how good you feel when you do that! I am no where near done, but I have started, and that is the first step.
When I say there are things I have wanted, what I mean is there are things that I love when I see them at someone elses home. Like a fireplace. Or a kitchen island. Or an English garden in their front yard... Or....to be exact... a red door.
I have always wanted my front door to be painted red. Not because I think I am Elizabeth Arden, but because a red door has always said "Somebody" lives there to me. Now, yes yes yes I know I am "somebody" but you know what I mean. I have ALWAYS wanted a red door. But I couldn't have one. Why you ask?? Well, I don't know why. No one ever really told me I couldn't have one. But deep in my heart I knew I would never be able to have a red door.
And again I say: Bullshit.
As I type, the primer is drying on my front door. By tonight, my door will be Apple Red, and it will say... "SOMEBODY AND THEIR SOMEBODY FAMILY LIVES IN THIS HOUSE!!!"
And "They" do!
Until later...
MB
Of course I have been doing the dance of change, change, change... like always. Working, changing, knitting, changing, eating, changing... I am in a constant state of "change". But things seldom do..
Since April, there have been a LOT of changes happening around me. I have been slowly changing without trying to focus on the actual ACT of changing.
OK, I know I have probably lost you already, so let me explain myself to you...
I was at my brothers house celebrating my mothers birthday. We were out on his deck, and behind his house is woods. Most people if asked, would say that what they see when they look out, is trees. (Because he has A LOT of them.) I myself don't see trees. Well, I do, but that's not all. I see the wind moving the branches, I see the grass, I see the fence, I see birds, and their horses - well you get the picture. I have a hard time looking and picking one thing that I see. That's how my brain works. Sometimes its one of the most magical things... seeing colors, and getting excited about the smallest thing God has created. Other times it is exhausting. Wearing and tearing my mind down. I want to scream "Can I not just have one day when I can choose the first thing that comes to mind and STICK WITH THAT for more than 3 seconds??????"
So, there actually HAVE been some changes going on in my life. Some I am doing, and some have happened upon me. One thing, is that I have been on a journey of self discovery.
That has taken me to forgiving people/things/circumstances and myself, and finally being freed of so much of the pain that has been inside of me for so long. Its amazing how if you take the time to break things down to the basics, how you see things differently. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned lately is that most of the pain I have held in my heart for what "happened" (whichever "what" I'm on at the moment) is the pain I felt when it happened. Not the pain I would feel now. Basically, when I ran into an adult that caused me some kind of pain/shame/whatever when we were kids, I would still feel like I did AS a child. As I started a forgiveness journal I realized why things happened, and how, if you really think about it, I am the only one that has been holding on to this, and its got to go. Bury the dead. They stink up the place.
I had a very dear friend of mine, who I will refer to from here on out as my LC (Life Coach) break some things down for me. Things that are common sense, but that I wished I had learned years ago. Her own trials and tribulations have brought her to a place where she can say anything she wants to me, and not get punched.
I was telling her about how I believe you reap what you sow. But I didn't understand why I had reaped so much crap from a situation when I did everything I knew how, over and over, to keep the peace and be fair. She said to me, "MB, have you ever thought about your motive behind your wanting to keep peace and be fair. Was it a good motive or bad?" Well, Bloggie, that shut me the hell up! I have thought about it, and thought about it. And as I do, I find that each time, I come back to the heartfelt feeling that I was sincere, and only wanted the same treatment in return. BUT... even as I typed that, a little voice said.. are you sure? You sure you weren't after something? So.. needless to say, I am still working on that one. And thank you LC for pointing that out to me.
As my journey continues I realize that I have allowed things from my past to shape the person I am INSIDE. I did not realize till just recently that deep down inside, I felt as if I did not deserve any better than what I had, or what I got. I would never amount to much except a bag of hot air.
Bullshit.
I have not only been cleaning house on the inside, I have been literally CLEANING HOUSE. I am ridding myself, my home, my LIFE of unwanted clutter. All the pain and sadness, resentment, anger... all of that crap was keeping my heart and soul cluttered. As it has started to leave me, I am looking around my house at stuff I have on the walls, and sitting around, that I settled on because I wanted something else that I didn't think I could ever have, or that I ever WOULD HAVE.
I started taking stuff down, donating stuff, selling stuff, and giving stuff away. Its amazing how good you feel when you do that! I am no where near done, but I have started, and that is the first step.
When I say there are things I have wanted, what I mean is there are things that I love when I see them at someone elses home. Like a fireplace. Or a kitchen island. Or an English garden in their front yard... Or....to be exact... a red door.
I have always wanted my front door to be painted red. Not because I think I am Elizabeth Arden, but because a red door has always said "Somebody" lives there to me. Now, yes yes yes I know I am "somebody" but you know what I mean. I have ALWAYS wanted a red door. But I couldn't have one. Why you ask?? Well, I don't know why. No one ever really told me I couldn't have one. But deep in my heart I knew I would never be able to have a red door.
And again I say: Bullshit.
As I type, the primer is drying on my front door. By tonight, my door will be Apple Red, and it will say... "SOMEBODY AND THEIR SOMEBODY FAMILY LIVES IN THIS HOUSE!!!"
And "They" do!
Until later...
MB
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Round and Round the Coffee Cup....
Dear Bloggie,
Today is going to be full of "Doings" and "Ohhh I want to Do that's!!" I am UP, and about to take my son to test at Gateway. I really AM procrastinating about doing this because I despise going up there. In case you don't know dearest Bloggie, Gateway is a school. You can actually GO to school there, Campus school, you can use them as an Umbrella School to do home school, or you can do what we do, The Extension Program, where we do all the work at home, but we go to the school to test and tutor.
The best thing about doing The Extension Program is that if you feel you are not "smart enough" to home school your kids, you have teachers there to help you out. Most of the time we are smart enough, we just don't have any faith in ourselves.
So, I really really REALLY hate going up there. Many people choose it so they are in control of what their kids learn... others choose it because their children have been kicked out of regular school and have no choice but to take them there... (NOTE: I saved this as a draft to finish when I got home, and got distracted, *imagine that*, and just now picked back up...however - please note how the tone starts to change as something happened to alter my opinion.)
Like I was saying... Some kids have been kicked out of any/all public school by the courts, and by law they have to attend school, so they go to Gateway. So, I get hives just thinking about going up there. Why you wonder? Well, because so many of these kids are up there doing everything they can to prove to the other kids that they CAN and WILL push every single limit they can. I watch these kids talk to adults like shit! (pardon my potty mouth!) They break every rule they can so they can show the other kids how tough they really are.
My daddy used to have this saying: "They make me so mad it makes my hand itch to slap them." *sigh* I know just what he's talking about! I look over at my kids, and I can read their minds. Nathan's thinking: Shoooot... mom would kill me. Ellen's thinking: She would even know if I was THINKING about doing something like that.
So... as I went yesterday prepared to sit in judgement on all these kids that act so bad, I took my knitting to keep me busy. I was knitting a hat for my God-Bean who's due in December. I am sitting with the SB in the very last row... dead center and there are a group of girls right down the row from us talking about where they went to when they ran away. How bad they cussed their parents, etc. And I am sitting there knitting. Taking it all in... wondering if they would be so tough if mom and dad were sitting there. Thinking, uh huh.... If they were mine I woul.. Wait, one spoke to me. What did she say??? I said, "Im sorry??" She said, what are you making?? A hat??" I smiled and said, "I sure am" I am knitting in the round, and making a hat that will roll up instead of having an elastic like edge." She looked at the "mean girls" and said, "hey look what shes doing!"
Now, I got ready to go up there for once. I did the whole hair and makeup thing, I dressed like I am a professional stylist, and this is what I got for taking the time to look the part.. (which I hardly ever do btw when I am off work) I heard, "Wow, I love your hair. Is that a tatoo?? What does it say?? Man I would love to do that!"
In the next few moments I was giving the girls my number and telling them if they wanted to learn to knit I would teach them. We could meet on Tuesdays after they test for like an hour somewhere there at the school. I realized that I am NOT their mom or dad, I am NOT anyone but someone they thought seemed cool, looked cool and IS cool. That means, I can have an influence on these girls. And if they will let me in to their little world for an hour a week, I plan to make the most of it.
Its funny how I sat in judgement about things that I had forgotten I had done myself. How many times did I talk big about how I acted at home, but in reality, I knew better. My parents believed in the art of Foot2ass, and they were proficient in it!
Its another one of those times when I am glad the good Lord allowed my eyes to be opened to whats really going on, and instead of sticking my nose in the air and being holier than thou.. I planted a seed.
Now, I am going to sit back and wait to see if any of them call or text me. We will see!
Until later...
MB
Today is going to be full of "Doings" and "Ohhh I want to Do that's!!" I am UP, and about to take my son to test at Gateway. I really AM procrastinating about doing this because I despise going up there. In case you don't know dearest Bloggie, Gateway is a school. You can actually GO to school there, Campus school, you can use them as an Umbrella School to do home school, or you can do what we do, The Extension Program, where we do all the work at home, but we go to the school to test and tutor.
The best thing about doing The Extension Program is that if you feel you are not "smart enough" to home school your kids, you have teachers there to help you out. Most of the time we are smart enough, we just don't have any faith in ourselves.
So, I really really REALLY hate going up there. Many people choose it so they are in control of what their kids learn... others choose it because their children have been kicked out of regular school and have no choice but to take them there... (NOTE: I saved this as a draft to finish when I got home, and got distracted, *imagine that*, and just now picked back up...however - please note how the tone starts to change as something happened to alter my opinion.)
Like I was saying... Some kids have been kicked out of any/all public school by the courts, and by law they have to attend school, so they go to Gateway. So, I get hives just thinking about going up there. Why you wonder? Well, because so many of these kids are up there doing everything they can to prove to the other kids that they CAN and WILL push every single limit they can. I watch these kids talk to adults like shit! (pardon my potty mouth!) They break every rule they can so they can show the other kids how tough they really are.
My daddy used to have this saying: "They make me so mad it makes my hand itch to slap them." *sigh* I know just what he's talking about! I look over at my kids, and I can read their minds. Nathan's thinking: Shoooot... mom would kill me. Ellen's thinking: She would even know if I was THINKING about doing something like that.
So... as I went yesterday prepared to sit in judgement on all these kids that act so bad, I took my knitting to keep me busy. I was knitting a hat for my God-Bean who's due in December. I am sitting with the SB in the very last row... dead center and there are a group of girls right down the row from us talking about where they went to when they ran away. How bad they cussed their parents, etc. And I am sitting there knitting. Taking it all in... wondering if they would be so tough if mom and dad were sitting there. Thinking, uh huh.... If they were mine I woul.. Wait, one spoke to me. What did she say??? I said, "Im sorry??" She said, what are you making?? A hat??" I smiled and said, "I sure am" I am knitting in the round, and making a hat that will roll up instead of having an elastic like edge." She looked at the "mean girls" and said, "hey look what shes doing!"
Now, I got ready to go up there for once. I did the whole hair and makeup thing, I dressed like I am a professional stylist, and this is what I got for taking the time to look the part.. (which I hardly ever do btw when I am off work) I heard, "Wow, I love your hair. Is that a tatoo?? What does it say?? Man I would love to do that!"
In the next few moments I was giving the girls my number and telling them if they wanted to learn to knit I would teach them. We could meet on Tuesdays after they test for like an hour somewhere there at the school. I realized that I am NOT their mom or dad, I am NOT anyone but someone they thought seemed cool, looked cool and IS cool. That means, I can have an influence on these girls. And if they will let me in to their little world for an hour a week, I plan to make the most of it.
Its funny how I sat in judgement about things that I had forgotten I had done myself. How many times did I talk big about how I acted at home, but in reality, I knew better. My parents believed in the art of Foot2ass, and they were proficient in it!
Its another one of those times when I am glad the good Lord allowed my eyes to be opened to whats really going on, and instead of sticking my nose in the air and being holier than thou.. I planted a seed.
Now, I am going to sit back and wait to see if any of them call or text me. We will see!
Until later...
MB
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