My Journey of Forgiveness

Dear Bloggie,
  Of course I have been doing the dance of change, change, change... like always.  Working, changing, knitting, changing, eating, changing... I am in a constant state of "change".  But things seldom do..
  Since April, there have been a LOT of changes happening around me.  I have been slowly changing without trying to focus on the actual ACT of changing. 
  OK, I know I have probably lost you already, so let me explain myself to you...
  I was at my brothers house celebrating my mothers birthday.  We were out on his deck, and behind his house is woods.  Most people if asked, would say that what they see when they look out, is trees.  (Because he has A LOT of them.)  I myself don't see trees.  Well, I do, but that's not all.  I see the wind moving the branches, I see the grass, I see the fence, I see birds, and their horses - well you get the picture.  I have a hard time looking and picking one thing that I see.  That's how my brain works.  Sometimes its one of the most magical things... seeing colors, and getting excited about the smallest thing God has created.  Other times it is exhausting.  Wearing and tearing my mind down.  I want to scream "Can I not just have one day when I can choose the first thing that comes to mind and STICK WITH THAT for more than 3 seconds??????"
  So, there actually HAVE been some changes going on in my life.  Some I am doing, and some have happened upon me.  One thing, is that I have been on a journey of self discovery. 
  That has taken me to forgiving people/things/circumstances and myself, and finally being freed of so much of the pain that has been inside of me for so long.  Its amazing how if you take the time to break things down to the basics, how you see things differently.  I guess the biggest lesson I have learned lately is that most of the pain I have held in my heart for what "happened" (whichever "what" I'm on at the moment) is the pain I felt when it happened.  Not the pain I would feel now.  Basically, when I ran into an adult that caused me some kind of pain/shame/whatever when we were kids, I would still feel like I did AS a child.  As I started a forgiveness journal I realized why things happened, and how, if you really think about it, I am the only one that has been holding on to this, and its got to go.  Bury the dead.  They stink up the place.
  I had a very dear friend of mine, who I will refer to from here on out as my LC (Life Coach) break some things down for me.  Things that are common sense, but that I wished I had learned years ago. Her own trials and tribulations have brought her to a place where she can say anything she wants to me, and not get punched. 
  I was telling her about how I believe you reap what you sow.  But I didn't understand why I had reaped so much crap from a situation when I did everything I knew how, over and over, to keep the peace and be fair.  She said to me, "MB, have you ever thought about your motive behind your wanting to keep peace and be fair.  Was it a good motive or bad?"  Well, Bloggie, that shut me the hell up!  I have thought about it, and thought about it.  And as I do, I find that each time, I come back to the heartfelt feeling that I was sincere, and only wanted the same treatment in return.  BUT... even as I typed that, a little voice said.. are you sure?  You sure you weren't after something?  So.. needless to say, I am still working on that one.  And thank you LC for pointing that out to me.
  As my journey continues I realize that I have allowed things from my past to shape the person I am INSIDE.  I did not realize till just recently that deep down inside, I felt as if I did not deserve any better than what I had, or what I got.  I would never amount to much except a bag of hot air. 
  Bullshit.
  I have not only been cleaning house on the inside, I have been literally CLEANING HOUSE.  I am ridding myself, my home, my LIFE of unwanted clutter.  All the pain and sadness, resentment, anger... all of that crap was keeping my heart and soul cluttered.  As it has started to leave me, I am looking around my house at stuff I have on the walls, and sitting around, that I settled on because I wanted something else that I didn't think I could ever have, or that I ever WOULD HAVE. 
  I started taking stuff down, donating stuff, selling stuff, and giving stuff away.  Its amazing how good you feel when you do that!  I am no where near done, but I have started, and that is the first step.
  When I say there are things I have wanted, what I mean is there are things that I love when I see them at someone elses home.  Like a fireplace.  Or a kitchen island.  Or an English garden in their front yard...  Or....to be exact... a red door. 
  I have always wanted my front door to be painted red.  Not because I think I am Elizabeth Arden, but because a red door has always said "Somebody" lives there to me.  Now, yes yes yes I know I am "somebody" but you know what I mean.  I have ALWAYS wanted a red door.  But I couldn't have one. Why you ask??  Well, I don't know why.  No one ever really told me I couldn't have one.  But deep in my heart I knew I would never be able to have a red door.
  And again I say:  Bullshit.
  As I type, the primer is drying on my front door.  By tonight, my door will be Apple Red, and it will say... "SOMEBODY AND THEIR SOMEBODY FAMILY LIVES IN THIS HOUSE!!!"
  And "They" do!
  Until later...
   MB